If you live with a chronic illness, you’ve likely experienced some level of grief at some point during your health journey. I always used to think of grief as an overpowering black cloud of darkness and despair. And sometimes it is.
Other times, grief can take on other strange forms. Recently, I had a moment of deep grief disguised as nostalgia. Keep reading to hear about this surprising nuance of grief and two things you should do when you feel grief take this form.
A Recent Moment of Nostalgia
The other day, my husband and I walked into a local seafood restaurant near where we live in Tennessee.
It was cute and homely, despite its faded and worn-down appearance. And it was on the shore of the harbor—just a few mere strides away from the balmy waters.
But as soon as I stepped inside the restaurant, its interior took me back to a port-side restaurant in Fort Bragg, California—called Captain Flint’s—where my family used to go every summer when I was a kid.
This Tennessee restaurant’s resemblance to Captain Flint’s was uncanny—its chipped, wooden walls, cramped space and narrow hallways, warm, yellow lighting, and the rich smell of fresh fish and shrimp.
And while this brought happy memories of spending time with my brother and cousins with our noses pressed against the glass of a giant fish tank as we waited to be seated at Captain Flint’s, the nostalgia was overpowering.
I both wanted to stay in this southern restaurant forever AND run outside back to our car gasping for fresh air and sunlight to wrench me from this dream-state that pulled away from me enjoying the “now”.
And at that moment, as I separated memory from reality, I understood that grief is transformative, as I momentarily grieved for the days before I was sick.
When the waiter interrupted my thoughts, asking if we’d like a seat inside or outside, I chose outside. I knew Tennessee’s sunny and humid atmosphere would break the spell.
I knew the heat and chorus of cicadas would bring me into the now, separating me from picturing the cold, salty, cloudy air that always hung over Captain Flint’s and the entire chilly town of Fort Bragg.
What to do When Grief Disguises Itself as Nostalgia
When grief takes this form, it can stir some pretty funky bittersweet emotions. Here are two things to do when you feel this strange wave of grief.
1. Let Yourself Feel These Emotions
I think falling into fits of nostalgia is a perfectly normal, imperfectly human thing.
I’m a huge proponent of allowing yourself to experience the full spectrum of emotions, so long as you don’t stay in the negative ones—anger, grief, nostalgia.
So I allowed myself to be momentarily overcome by those familiar wooden walls and the overpowering smell of seafood.
I let my brain pretend the humid Tennessee air had transformed into misty clouds, and that the calm harbor had become Fort Bragg’s turbulent and frothy ocean.
But only briefly.
2. Do Not Let Yourself Linger in These Emotions
Don’t become lost in that world that no longer exists.
When you step back outside to follow the waiter to your table, don’t be dismayed that the sun is still out and that it smells like summer trees instead of salty seawater.
Let the warmth thaw your memory so you can appreciate your past for what it is.
Learn to be grateful for the present and the people in your presence.
Be thankful for how far you’ve come and the strength you’ve accumulated along your journey.